Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
Social icons by Tim van Damme

05

Jul

Hippos can literally run at the bottom of the ocean floor!
Nance Netz

2 years ago Short URL

28

Jun

I only sun tan in the nude. It keeps me young!
Little 80 year-old lady (I love you!!! Hahah)

2 years ago Short URL

You're Not A Stylist!

A customer comes into my store with her baby in a stroller. I greet her, but she is too distracted to respond. She picks out a couple of pieces and lays them over the stroller.
Jacquie:
may I start you a fitting room?
Customer:
yes, great. Thank you.
Jacquie:
(takes the skirt and two dresses off the stroller and puts them into a fitting room)
Customer:
(continues browsing and takes out a white top. Customer looks around and seems confused all of a sudden) where did I...?
Jacquie:
pardon me?
Customer:
I thought I had a couple of pieces on my stroller.... Excuse me (to another customer) Why did you take my clothes from my stroller?!?
Customer 2:
excuse me?
Customer:
my clothes. I left them on my stroller. Why would you take them?
Customer 2:
...what?
Jacquie:
oh! I asked you if you wanted me to start you a fitting room for the pieces you picked out. So I put them in the fitting room for you.
Customer:
I never asked you to do such a thing please bring them back to me.
Jacquie:
uhh okay...(grabs pieces from fitting room and brings them back out to her)
Customer:
(looks at pieces I brought back out) These aren't the pieces I picked out.
Jacquie:
I'm pretty sure they are...
Customer:
these aren't them!
Jacquie:
well I haven't started any fitting rooms for anyone else...And since I just took them from you about a minute ago..im pretty certain that these are the ones you picked out.
Customer:
(looks at tags) made in china??! Well these definitely aren't going to fit me no matter what size I choose...those Chinese people are so small.
Jacquie:
they are standard sizing...
Customer:
so if I try these on and go out in public after I buy them. And tell people that I got this outfit from this store... And people think it looks awful then I'll come back in here and blame you for making me look silly. Right?
Jacquie:
I'm sorry, I don't understand...?
Customer:
I can't try these pieces on because I have my baby. So if I go home, try them on and they look awful. I'm going to blame you for it.
Jacquie:
you picked those pieces out yourself...I will not take any responsibility for such a thing...if you decide to get it and don't try it on...That's a risk you are taking. Not me.
Customer:
can I refund it if it doesn't work then?
Jacquie:
we do exchange or store credit only. Sale items are a final sale.
Customer:
well that's just stupid. Did you make up those rules?
Jacquie:
no. I just work here.
Customer:
that's what they all say. Maybe you shouldn't be a stylist then.
Jacquie:
But... I'm not a stylist...
Customer:
Exactly!!! (exit customer)
Jacquie:
(WTF??!?!?)

2 years ago Short URL

27

Jun

Gun Boobs

Went to a costume party last night...
Dude:
hey, nice costume.
Jacquie:
thanks! What are you supposed to be exactly?
Dude:
I'm a cat. Meeeoow!
Jacquie:
cute.
Dude:
no.
Jacquie:
huh?
Dude:
it's not cute. It's manly!
Jacquie:
haha. Okay.
Dude:
what are YOU supposed to be?
Jacquie:
I'm a fembot.
Dude:
what?
Jacquie:
...you know from Austin Powers?
Dude:
ohhh. I get it! (looks down at my gun boobs) I was going to ask if they were real. (touches them)
Jacquie:
uhh. No, no they're not.
Dude:
too bad. I'm into that.
Jacquie:
uhhh...???

2 years ago Short URL

25

Jun

Nice To Meet You

I love meeting new people.
Dude:
hey, how's it going?
Jacquie:
hey, nice to meet you. I'm Jacquie.
Dude:
yea, you seem like the type.
Jacquie:
huh?
Dude:
you look like the type.
Jacquie:
what?
Dude:
don't worry about it.
Jacquie:
okay...
Dude:
yuppies... (walks away)
Jacquie:
???

2 years ago Short URL

Welcome to Guelph

We were loading into the Shadow where we're playing tonight in Guelph. As we pulled in to the loading zone and started taking out our gear, a middle aged (and extremely rough looking) man opened the back door of the venue.
Steve:
hey, how's it going.
Scary Man:
(blank stare)
Steve continues past the man and brings the gear downstairs to the venue.
Liam:
hey there, how's it going?
Scary Man:
(blank stare)
Liam continues past the man and brings the gear downstairs to the venue.
Jacquie:
hello!
Scary Man:
FAAACK!!!

2 years ago Short URL

The fact that you have a no return policy sickens me! You’re essentially hi-jacking my money and forcing me to buy things even though I might not want it. I’m taking you to court!
Awesome Customer 06/24/10

2 years ago Short URL

24

Jun

Chubby kids...?

Customer:
what size is this?
Jacquie:
the tag on the collar should say...
Customer:
all it says is HS? What does that mean?
(Jacquie walks over to customer and looks at tag)
Jacquie:
oh! Haha. It's XS! That means extra small.
Customer:
phew! I was worried for a minute that they created a new size instead of XXL to "Humongous Size".
Jacquie:
Nope, I don't think they've resorted to that just yet..
Customer:
well, just you wait. A few years from now...once those chubby kids get older...
Jacquie:
huh?
Customer:
just don't feed your kids too much cake! You'll be fine!
Jacquie:
uh...okay... ???

2 years ago Short URL

Gaydar?

A conversation I overheard while in the ladies room at the movies.
Girl 1:
Hey, do you have a tampon?
Girl 2:
No, sorry just used my last one.
Girl 1:
Shit. I really wanted to have sex tonight.
Girl 2:
Have you guys still not done it?
Girl 1:
No!
Girl 2:
Do you think he might be gay too?
Girl 1:
...I don't think so? I sure hope not!
Girl 2:
what if he was though?
Girl 1:
if this one is gay too...then I'm calling it quits for men.
Girl 2:
You know what they say...fourth times a charm...
Girl 1:
No...That's NOT what they say. It's third time...
Girl 2:
What?
Girl 1:
*sigh* Nevermind.
Either she has really bad judgement or...she has rotten luck. Poor girl...

2 years ago Short URL

l/

22

Jun

We're all robots.

This was a conversation I overheard while I was in line at Wendy's. The lady in front of me was ordering...
Lady:
I'd like the spicy chicken wrap please. Do you have those here?
Cashier:
The spicy chicken wrap?
Lady:
Yes, do you have them?
Cashier:
Yes, we do! But are you sure you don't want to try the GRILLED chicken wrap?
Lady:
Oh! Okay. I'll have that then.
Cashier:
Combo?
Lady:
No, thank you. Just the wrap.
Cashier:
Are you sure? It's better value.
Lady:
Alright. Combo it is!
Cashier:
Coke to drink?
Lady:
Diet Coke please.
Cashier:
Are you sure you don't want regular Coke?
Lady:
Okay, I'll have regular Coke. May I have a baked potato as my side please?
Cashier:
Fries?
Lady:
Okay, sure!
Me:
????

2 years ago Short URL 2 notes